Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Mid-Week Flash Challenge on Medium - Customer Service


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NOTE: This week, I've posted an entry for Miranda Kate's Weekly Flash Fiction Challenge on Medium (with free access so you don't have to be a member to view it). It is titled Customer Service. So few people are looking at my blog these days I have a better chance of someone reading it on Medium or Patreon. I chose Medium this time. So, after the intro below, you'll find a link to the story on Medium.




Intro:

The story that follows is for a flash fiction writing challenge posted each week by author Miranda Kate. This is week number 235! You can click on this link to see the prompt image and rules.

This is from Miranda's post:

"This week's picture prompt is by artist Dan Luvisi over on Deviant Art. He made this for his science fiction book, Last Man Standing: Killbook of a Bounty Hunter - this is the character Hex. I initially only found a picture of the head of this saved, and it is all over the internet as wallpaper with all the colours enhanced, but when I found the entire original, I much preferred it as it offers so much more. Plus, crediting is SO necessary, so that the artist gets recognised and in this case, a fellow writer gets referenced. Sadly it looks like the book is out of print otherwise I would have bought a copy." 

The challenge asks for a story less than 750 words. My story has 479 words (not including the title), just in case you were counting. This week's tale has a bit of light humor...


Link to Customer Service on Medium (free access)



© 2022 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Two Spaces Or Not Two Spaces


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That, it seems, is the question.

Typewriter Photo by MILKOVÍ on Unsplash

Photo by MILKOVÍ on Unsplash


Not long ago, I was participating in a Skype session at work with a few other staff members. We were reviewing and updating a document. Once we had agreed on a particular change, one of us would make the change. I watched as a staff member (who will remain nameless) type in the new sentences, then dutifully return to put an extra space between them where only one space existed. This was not a formal document; it was an internal checklist of a process.

Interesting, I thought.

I had heard of this two-space thing, as I recall, long ago in some distant corner of my life. I had never seen anyone do this before. Was it a difference in schooling? I had never been taught there was a correct (or incorrect) amount of spaces to be placed between sentences.

Had I read writing with two spaces after a period? I was certain I had, though I couldn't say where or when.

My curiosity was aroused. I decided to research the subject. I'm almost sorry I did. Apparently, this is a sore subject among many in the writing and typography communities. The level of fighting makes the turmoil between political parties seem almost tame.

There are many reasons given on both sides, but I'll only mention a couple here.

"Only old folks used to using typewriters put two spaces after a sentence."

The term "old folks" generally refers to those over 40 years of age in these arguments. I can assure you I am over 40 in both age and IQ, although the second value is often questioned. I don't, however, use two spaces.

"It only applies to monospaced fonts. They aren't needed with modern proportional fonts."

This is summarily dismissed by the two-spacers.

There are other arguments, of course, and the issue has been discussed for at least the last few hundred years according to the articles I've read. I wouldn't be surprised to find the fossilized remains of two opposing tribes of prehistoric cave dwellers where one painted the images of their hands two hand-lengths apart while the other tribe preferred only one. In all likelihood, the very first war was started over this.

There have even been several (supposedly) scientific studies on the matter, all of which resulted in every possible outcome as to whether the one or two spaces made a difference in clarity or reading speed.

As I was thinking about all this (as an excuse to avoid another Skype session in work), I was wondering if those who use two spaces have a problem sending text messages. If you hit the space button twice on a smartphone it puts in a periodand a single space. If you want two spaces, you have to hit the space button again after an indeterminate amount of time. On top of all that, some folks don't use or like punctuation in their text messages. If you're a devout two-spacer and don't use a period between sentences when messaging, this could possibly drive you insane.

Do I have a preference?

No. I can't say I notice a difference when reading either format.

If you wish to use two spaces after a period, I won't mind. I probably won't even notice—unless you make me watch you do it.

When writing, I'll continue to use a single space, though not because I believe in its superiority. It's all I've ever done. I'm not sure I could change now if I tried. No one has ever asked why I only use one space, so it would seem it's not a major issue with everyone. For those it does bother, however, if thy right eye (or left) offends thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee. Just make sure it doesn't land on my keyboard. It might hit the space bar.


© 2020 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Health, Fitness, And Dieting?


Just a quick announcement before my blog begins...

Please consider donating to the Zombies Need Brains Sci-fi/fantasy anthologies Kickstarter! There will be three books! Lots of perks and, if funded, there will be an open submission! If you're a writer, that's a good thing! You can reach the Kickstarter by clicking HERE.


Today I logged onto Amazon's Author Central to see how things were going. You know, have any books been selling, what's my author rank, etc. I'm not sure why, but there is a new category on my ranking page describing the category of books I've been published in: Health, Dieting, and Fitness.

Now, I have to say up front that I haven't written any books or stories that would offer useful information in these categories. Well, none that I'm aware of. If I had you surely wouldn't want to take advice from them. I did write a story where a dad ate some of his kid's Halloween candy that had little monsters in it. And in another anthology, a girl was bullied because of the effect of a thyroid problem. Wait—maybe it's Haiku of the Dead because zombies, of course, eat brains! No, I guess that would be a bit of a stretch. I don't really think any of these qualify, though I may be mistaken. Yet, somehow, I have an author ranking of 213,799 in this category. The category just started, so the graph is only for today.


Health, fitness, and dieting category? How?


Apparently I'm doing better than I thought, branching out into new literary frontiers without even trying! Maybe next week it will be erotic romance. Say, that might be interesting! Or, at my age, really disgusting. To tell the truth, for me it would probably just be confusing. And I'm already half-way there!


© 2018 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Monday, August 27, 2018

You Folks Need To Get In Better Shape


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This last weekend I did something I'd been contemplating for over two years.

I ran a 5K race.

Yes, I know. This blog is supposed to be about writing. I don't get any great inspiration while running. Just perspiration. And while I did write a couple of articles for the Baltimore Road Runners Club newsletter in the distant past, that is about as much of a tie to writing as I can make. My main reason for running is it helps relieve stress and keeps my aging body moving. I sit much of the time these days—at work, while commuting, and while writing. My backside needs an occasional change of pace.

I used to run a lot. That was about twenty years ago, however. I'd occasionally gone jogging since then, but life's events and my work schedule had mostly eliminated any sort of regular exercise. Still, a return to running, especially on the trails, had been creeping into my thoughts for a while now.

It was with the encouragement of a stranger (under unusual circumstances that would add nothing to this story) that the commitment to enter a race was made. I told myself I would train hard and do the best I could.

Except I didn't. Not really. I hardly ran at all. I resigned myself to the thought of finishing dead last and barely dragging my spent body across the finish line. But the commitment had been made. I would not back out. I had signed up early. Even got a senior discount! BTW, that thrill dissipates quickly once you realize it only means you're getting old.

The route was on the Ma & Pa Heritage Trail near Bel Air, Maryland. I'd run a race there many years ago.  Once I checked out the trail map I remembered why I hated this course. The last half is all uphill. Thank you, sir. May I have another?

There aren't many spaces at the trailhead to park and these were taken up by the race staff. The only place close by was next to a funeral home. Was this coincidence or fate? Only time would tell.


The building next to where I parked for the race
The building next to where I parked for the race

Once parked, I made my way to the registration table. I picked up my bib and souvenir t-shirt, and then I checked for the restrooms. They had one spot-a-pot. ONE. I could had tied that up until race time all by myself. Come on, Charm City Run! Get real!


The start finish line at the "Age is but a #" 5K race
The start finish line at the "Age Is But A #" 5K race

I walked around and jogged a little to get warmed up. Not too much, though. I didn't want to wear myself out before the race even started.

Finally, the call was made for the runners to line up. The starter's pistol sounded. I was off. Well, eventually. If you've ever started a race when lined up at the back of the pack, you'll understand.

The first mile came up quicker than I'd expected. I was wondering if I'd gone out too fast. By 'fast' I mean waddled more quickly than I should have. I knew the last half of the race would be tough. Would I be able to finish?

As a side note, why does a 5K race have sections marked in miles? Must be American exceptionalism. We make you learn math in order to run. Just one of the reasons why I love this country.

When I reached the turn-around point, I saw the water cooler. My eyes fixated on the orange plastic barrel. Even though the temperature was in the low sixties, I needed a drink badly. Unfortunately, there was no one manning (or womanning or even beasting) the water stop. No smooth hand-off of a cup of water here. I had to stop, open the plastic bag of cups, find the spigot on the cooler, and get my drink. This was costing me precious seconds (minutes?). Come on, Charm City Run! Get real! Wait. I already said that once.

After disposing of the cup, I looked up the trail. Yes, up. Dang. It didn't seem that steep coming down. I contemplated getting another drink. No, they'll probably hook me right up to an IV in the hospital anyway. My legs were not prepared for this. And yet I managed to pass a few other runners. And a few passed me. For the last mile, I went back and forth with a woman, exchanging places as we crept up the hills. I was finally able to pull away on the last stretch, beating her by about sixteen seconds. And she was eighteen years my junior. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite catch the thirty-six-year-old lady who finished just ahead of me—well, not and live to tell about it. I was exhausted and covered in sweat. She looked like she'd taken a short walk around the block. I'm so out of shape.

When the results were posted, I noticed something odd. Instead of finishing last, I was sixth out of fourteen in my age group (60 to dead). I was in the middle third of all runners on the course. That's about where I used to finish twenty years ago.

That's not too bad, you say? True. I was quite pleased even though my time was abysmal. But it shouldn't have happened. There's no way I should have placed that high. I've never been a great runner, and now I'm terribly out of shape. I'm overweight. In the last three years I've run perhaps five times. That is not a valid training regimen.

All I can think is how many others in the race were in worse shape than me. That's a bit sad. And maybe that's why the funeral home picked its current business location. You folks need to get moving. I know I am. Fear is a great motivator. It appears every time I look in the mirror. Age has not been my friend. I guess what I'm saying is if a wheezy geezer like me can outrun you, perhaps it's time to think about getting a little more active.

Anyway, I'm going to keep running and get in better shape. Maybe do another race. Why? I have more stories to write and being published posthumously doesn't sound all that appealing!


© 2018 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Monday, March 26, 2018

Reports Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated


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No, I'm not pushing up daisies...

Yes, I stole the title of this blog post, even though it is a misquote.

I haven't been on here for about a month. I'm not sure what the next month will bring, but I do hope to have a real post at some point.

I wanted to let any followers I have know that I am still alive and will continue once the duties of my day job ease. Too much overtime and falling asleep at the computer at home has reduced my creative time to this.

I will post again, however, I promise.

I shall return! (Yeah, I stole that, too...)


© 2017 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Sunday, October 29, 2017

It's Almost Time for Nanowrimo


Just a quick reminder for all you masochists out there...

Image courtesy of National Novel Writing Month

Yes, it's almost time for NaNoWriMo again!

I've noticed that Terri Deno wants to give it a try, as does Sara Lundberg. I wish you both the best. I hardly have time to write these blog posts. Perhaps I will once I've retired from my day job. Then again, it would be nice to take a real vacation.

If anyone is interested, there's still time to sign up. Here's a map the NaNoWriMo folks provide to give you an idea where the writers are located.

Location of NaNoWriMo writers

If you don't want to write, you can volunteer to help out.

Also, many libraries are having events for NaNoWriMo writers like these listed from the Baltimore County Public Library:


Anyway, this is just to let everyone know NaNoWriMo is coming! Me? I've buying futures in coffee beans. The amount of caffeine consumed is bound to go up in the next month. So, to all you participants, good luck!


© 2017 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Monday, October 2, 2017

Wording Is Important


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With all the bad things happening in the world today, I thought I would post a little humor to help get us through these dark times...

Still, this is a writing blog, so I wanted to keep on subject as much as possible. I was having trouble coming up with an idea until I looked over a flyer I got at McDonald's. Yes, my better half and I stopped at McDonald's. It's not one of our normal bistros, but everything else had a line out the door. The food was—well, we ate it. Isn't that enough?

This particular establishment was one of those remodeled McDonald's where you order your food on this big electronic menu. It couldn't have taken more than three times as long as actually talking to a cashier. That's progress for you. Once you paid (all at the big menu board), you take a plastic number to put on your table. One of the young workers brings the food right to you. Eventually.

On the tray with our food were a couple of flyers. It seems they are going to have a Family Fun Night.

McDonald's Family Fun Night Flyer


Sounds great, huh? Crafts, cookie decorating, and more, more, more! They're even having a raffle! What are the prizes, you ask?

Okay, here's were things start to get a little delicate. I don't know who created these flyers, but the wording on parts of it left a something to be desired. I doubt you can read them on the picture above, so I scanned the bottom at a higher resolution. Here it is:

A boy toy?

Personally, I think a "boy toy" might be inappropriate for a child. It might be inappropriate for your wife or girlfriend, too, but at least it makes some kind of sense. A girl toy? That could get me into all kinds of trouble. I'm not even touching that one.

Hello, McDonald's? Maybe you could hire a proofreader for these things. Just a thought...


© 2017 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Monsters In The Night


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It seems we're being attacked by monsters here...

Last night we had two groups of visitors in the dark. First, these beasts dropped by:

Raccoon family dropping by at night
Alien creatures attacking!

While I know a lot of folks will be saying how cute this raccoon family is—and they are—they can transmit some serious parasites to humans, especially when they use your deck or yard as a latrine. See this page from the Centers for Disease Control for more information. This morning, Marie had the unenviable job of washing things down with boiling water. Chemicals, including chlorine bleach, do not reliably destroy the parasites, but heat does. We'll have to do something to deter them. Poop decks belong on ships, not houses.

Eventually, they ambled off into the darkness.

Then, while I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—only this and nothing more.”

And I was right. But it wasn't a raven.

It was this horrible creature... and a few of his friends.

European hornet
European Hornet

This is the European hornet. They fly at night and they're attracted to light. And they're big (like up to 35 mm big). They make a noise when the bang against your windows and glass doors trying to get to the lights inside. Maybe it's just me, but I don't really want them inside. I guess we'll be calling the pest control folks soon.

I like my monsters in stories, not trying to get into the house. If you don't hear from me in a few days, ask someone to check up on me... You know, just in case more monsters show up.


© 2017 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Dear American Diabetes Association


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I hadn't planned on writing another blog post so soon, but it seems another public service announcement is in order.

A few weeks back, I was going through my mail. It was full of letters from various charities, each asking for a donation. This isn't unusual. I get about a dozen requests per week. Most get recycled.

One of them, however, was from the American Diabetes Association. What caught my eye were the mailing labels they sent. A lot of charities give mailing labels as a bribe an incentive to donate. If I kept all the mailing labels I get from charities I'd need to rent a warehouse to store them. These were different. They had classic motorcycles and cars on them. I'm old enough that I'd actually driven and ridden on some of those machines. They are the best mailing labels I've ever received.



Cool mailing labels from the ADA
Cool mailing labels

I was hooked. I had to give them a donation. I was doing my civic duty and all that crap. In addition, another writer I know, Beth Rhodes, is a diabetic, so helping her, albeit indirectly, was a plus.

As an added bonus, if you donated a certain amount you'd get a free tote bag. Now, I need another tote bag like I need more mailing labels, but it was part of the deal and I planned on accepting it graciously.

So, I sent in my check.

A couple of weeks later I found a tote bag wedged into my mailbox.


The infamous bag for ADA
The original bag...

It's an OK tote bag. It, you know, holds stuff. So far, so good.

I thought that was the end of it.

Today, I found out differently.

After coming home and parking the car, I went to the mailbox. I could see it wasn't closed. There was a package sticking out. I removed the item. What did I find but another tote bag. Great. I didn't need one; now I have two.

I went back for the rest of my mail.

And found another tote bag.

And another.

And another.

The other 4 bags in their mailers
The other four...

I had so many bags I needed a bag to hold them. Sadly, this was not a problem.

I don't know how the mail person got them all in there. The mail I wanted was in the mailbox, too. Looked like the dog had chewed on it—and I don't have a dog.

Standing at the mailbox, I pondered the significance of this event. Had the ADA sent out five tote bags to everyone who had donated? Was the USPS about to succumb to a burden they couldn't possibly handle? Did I get someone else's tote bag? Or, should I say, four other people's tote bags? Would the ADA go bankrupt from the postage fees? What should I do? I'm not even sure if my donation is tax-deductible now since the value of the bags is probably more than what I sent.


Mailing label says the ADA is a non-profit organization - that's pretty much guaranteed now...
It says they're a non-profit organization.
If they weren't before, they are now.

Someone at the ADA had made a terrible mistake and it was all my fault because I had given a donation. I felt so guilty about what I'd done I went to the ADA website and made another donation. I figure the way they're handing out tote bags they'll need it.

Donation

And if you haven't donated to the ADA yet, you might want to—before it's too late—for them. Just make sure you say "no" to the tote bag.


© 2017 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Saturday, April 1, 2017

March Madness, Annotated


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A couple of weekends ago I attending a wedding. It's not something I do often. I think I went to one before, though my memory of it is vague.

The timing of this particular celebration perplexed me. A wedding—in March—in Michigan? This must be madness, I thought. Disturbing images of my better half's family tree crept into mind. What other dark secrets await?

So, with much consideration and perturbation, Marie and I loaded up the car1 and headed north—and a bit west. After 700 miles of wind, rain, sleet, hail, snow—and a brief discussion with some girl and her dog asking about Kansas2—we arrived in Lansing, Michigan. Well, East Lansing, technically...

The establishment where Marie had made reservations is part of the Michigan State University campus. The hotel is attached to the venue where the reception was to take place and not far from the church where the ceremony itself would occur. Convenient, we thought. We pulled into the hotel parking lot late in the evening, and certainly long after the sun had set. At least that is what I presume as we had not spied so much as a glimpse of the orange orb during our travels, though the amount of falling snow was now reduced to a few wayward flakes. "I'm glad the bad weather is over with," we both said. All we wanted was to settle into a cozy room, do a minimal amount of unpacking, and go to sleep.

That blissful image was not to be, however. You see, to settle into a cozy room one must be able to enter said room. We loaded up a dolly with about half of our belongings3 and made our way to the room. Marie put the key card provided by the desk clerk into the slot and, when the indicator light turned green, pushed open the door—about 6 inches. She tried again, with similar results. Being a man, I immediately4 took charge. I slid the provided key card into the slot on the door and pushed it open to nearly 6.1 inches. A marked improvement, though still not adequate for the purposes of entry. Summoning all of my strength5, I took a brief run at the door (the hall was narrow) and pushed as hard as I could while Marie told me to shove it6. This action produced little improvement. Upon investigation, we determined that the door closure unit had fallen to a point where it blocked the door from fully opening. Forcing the hinged arm upward just a bit allowed us to open the door and gain access to the room. We rolled the dolly into the room as the door closed gently behind us. After emptying the dolly, we prepared to leave and fetch our remaining items. I grabbed the knob and pulled. The door opened about 6 inches.

To make a long story short, we eventually unloaded all of our things into the new room to which we had been assigned. We sat back to take a quick breather before preparing to turn in. It had to be a quick breather because the room smelled so strongly of industrial-strength cleaner that the thought of requesting yet another room entered our minds. Instead, we opened a window. This confirmed to us that the temperature outside was indeed below freezing. Still, it was an improvement, and the odor eventually dissipated.

As we settled in, from above we heard the sound of something rolling and then a muffled crash. Then footsteps. This scenario kept repeating until Marie took out the map of the complex and discovered our new room was directly under the check-in station. Every time a new guest arrived (or left) we were treated to a replay. At this point, we were too tired to care. Oddly enough, I slept well there7.

The next morning, of course, brought more snow. It may come as a surprise to many8 that it does snow in Michigan during the winter. Fortunately, the rain and rising temperatures melted most of it.


Who would have thought? Snow in Michigan in the winter? Preposterous!
Who would have thought?
Snow in Michigan - in the winter?
Preposterous!

After a quick snack for breakfast, it was time to get ready for the wedding. There was much consternation as to what would be the best outfit for each of us. You'd think we were the ones getting married. Although we'd brought a lot of clothing with us, much of the packing was done hurriedly9, so the final choices had to be made. Eventually, and fortunately, we made it out the door, though never with confidence about our wardrobe selections.

The location chosen for the ceremony was St. Thomas Aquinas church. It's known for the huge stained-glass wall (not just a window or two) in the front of the building.


Stained glass window in St Thomas Aquinas
Stained glass window in St Thomas Aquinas 

After talking to a few folks, we took our seat and waited for the matrimonial activities to commence. I was still pondering the timing of the event. It finally started to dawn on me what was going on when the priest announced (mid-ceremony) they would "tie the knot" using a scarf with the tartan designs of their families' clans in Ireland. I'd never before seen this done. Marie reminded me St. Patrick's Day was the day before. Now it was all beginning to make sense. Sort of. Anyway, here's how it went (that's a cue to look at the following 2 pictures):


Tying the know with the tartan pattern of both families
Tying the knot

And with a sharp pull, the knot was tied!


The knot tied!
The knot tied!

Once the ceremony was over and all the official wedding pictures taken, the crowd went to the University Club for the reception. It is attached to the hotel were we stayed, so that was convenient. And even better—they were serving free Guiness. I might have to go to more of these wedding parties10. Eventually, they introduced the family members and, of course, the bride and groom.


The bride and groom partaking of a kiss
The bride and groom

The Irish theme continued during the ongoing festivities. They brought in an Irish dance group to entertain until they opened the dance floor to the guests. I'd not seen this done before and it was quite nice. And don't tell anyone, but Marie and I danced (a little). It's okay. No one was injured.


Irish dancers at reception
Irish dancers at reception

All this socializing stuff continued on well into the evening11. Eventually folks started drifting out. There would be a brunch the next morning, so it wasn't like they wouldn't see each other again.

Skipping ahead now to the brunch...

The brunch was held at a different location. I don't know why. But they served about a dozen different types of donuts and pastries, and this being Michigan, pasties. Marie and I split one.

After the brunch festivities were over, we had a little time before rejoining the bride and groom while they opened gifts. With the weather improving, Marie's sister and her husband were kind enough to give us a brief tour of Lansing and the MSU campus area. It's not that big of a city, so a brief tour was enough. As you can see, we stopped by the capitol building in Lansing. We didn't go in, though12. I would have knocked on the door, but it didn't look like anyone was home.



Image of Michigan's capitol building in Lansing
Yes, I did stop by the capitol

As we drove around the MSU campus, we made the obligatory stop by Sparty, the University's mascot. Technically, this is "Sparty II" as the original (not made of bronze) is displayed indoors to protect it from harm. We decided to take a picture here for no other reason than to prove I was in Michigan. It took a while, however, because we weren't the only ones with that idea. So, here we are—me and Sparty, just hangin'13.


Me and Sparty hanging out together.
Me and Sparty

The highlight of the tour was a stop at the MSU Dairy Store. In addition to ice cream (I got a Gopher S'Mores cone14), we made the required purchase of chocolate cheese15. Yes, it looks exactly like you'd think it would.


The MSU dairy Store - I got a single scoop cone of "Gopher S'Mores"
The MSU Dairy Store

You know, with all these pictures of Michigan State, some folks might get the mistaken impression I attended this fine institution16. No, nothing so grand for me. But I have to admit, a certificate from here would probably be more impressive than the one I got for my National Radio Institute home-study course17.

After leaving MSU, we went to watch the happy couple open their wedding gifts. You're not officially married until you get kitchen appliances for gifts. They also announced they were going to honeymoon in Ireland. After all the Irish stuff during the ceremony and reception, this came as no surprise. The best moment of the evening came when opening one of the gifts—a hand-made quilt. After the oohs and ahs were finished, Dominic (the husband) decided to put it back in the cardboard box in which it arrived. So far, so good. At that point, he proceeded to wad it up like an old tissue. Not so good. There arose a collective gasp from every woman in the room18. He received a lesson on the proper folding of quilts I'm sure he'll never forget.


The infamous quilt
The infamous quilt (in pre-wadded condition)

They next day it was time to head back home. Always up for a little adventure, we altered our route to take us by Lake Eerie—I mean Erie. Forgive me, it's an honest mistake. We took the following picture just a few miles west of Vermilion.


The sun-drenched shores and crystal blue waters of Lake Erie
The sun-drenched shores
and crystal-blue waters of Lake Erie

Surely it looks better in the summer19. The water was an interesting color of gray, somewhat akin to the shade of fluid ejected from your washing machine after doing full load. It seems the wildlife doesn't mind. We caught up with these geese at Sherod Park.



After this quick photo session, it was back to the highway heading towards home. It was late in the evening when we arrived. We were tired, but with a successful road trip under our belt we were already thinking of our next. Remind me to pack lighter for that one...

Footnotes:
  1. When I say we loaded up the car, that is not an exaggeration. Had the trip lasted a day longer we would have required an upgrade to a medium-sized, diesel-powered truck.
  2. We asked if she needed assistance. Her footwear was definitely inappropriate for the weather.
  3. Due to the quantity involved, the term belongings seems more appropriate than luggage.
  4. Time is relative.
  5. Inertia, then, if you insist. I may not have strength, but as my girth increases, so does the amount of inertia my body can generate. I believe there is a formula for this. Something like Ici = (Adp * Wb)2, where Ici = inertia of charging idiot, Adp = avoirdupois, and Wb = the width of applicable backside in centimeters. Squared, of course. I can't say mass because I'm not a priest (rim shot, please).
  6. My memory is not entirely clear on the order of these events.
  7. It was just like being at work.
  8. Such as those planning the wedding...
  9. Perhaps horridly is the correct term here.
  10. To be specific, Irish wedding parties.
  11. Fortunately, so did the Guiness, which may explain why I was dancing.
  12. We didn't see any lights on, so we left. I put a note on the door: "Sorry, we missed you!" I'm not sure who we missed, but maybe we can stop by again sometime. Then they'll be sorry.
  13. From the looks of things, Sparty hangs a little better than me, but this is a PG-Rated blog, so enough said.
  14. I got a single scoop, but it was more than generous. You never know when you might need more inertia. As a note for future reference, there is usually a line, a large crowd, and a single-room restroom which also has a line (different direction, of course). Forewarned is forearmed—and, most likely, relieved.
  15. No, I haven't tasted it yet.
  16. I've been in a lot of institutions, but this wasn't one of them.
  17. I built an oscilloscope!
  18. There was a lot of gasping. I believe the windows actually bowed in as atmospheric pressure attempted to equalize. And, in truth, folding is just wadding in a very orderly manner. Well, it is to a man.
  19. Please-someone from Ohio-post a comment and assure me it looks better than this in the summer. The rest of your state we saw seemed very nice.

© 2017 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Dead Men's Tales


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First of all, Happy Valentine's Day!

Now, back to business...

It's taken a while, but it's finally here!

Fringeworks has published Dead Men's Tales, a pirate-themed anthology with the twist that each story is told from the point of view of a deceased character. My contribution to this collection is Skarett's Treasure. This story concerns the plight of an indentured servant (Thomas) who, hoping to gain enough money to escape from the pirate's stronghold with the mesmerizing Maria, gets mixed up with Captain Skarett.

What type of story is Skarett's Treasure? Well, there are pirates, of course, mixed in with a little bit of horror and a touch of humor. While my tale may leave you wanting more, by the time it's done, Thomas will have had his fill!


Cover image (by Darrel Bevan) of Dead Man's Tales © 2017 Fringeworks Ltd.


As the back cover says:
"They say that dead men tell no tales, but that's not strictly true. Why else would fifteen men need to sit on a dead man's chest? Beware these pirate tales told by the dead themselves. They will thrill you, chill you, scare you and spare you the need to sleep on a dark and stormy night. And remember, they might talk, but their grog-drinking days are done. Yo Ho Ho

Here's the story line-up:
Image of author's names and story titles for Dead Men's Tales
I need to get a copy to see what changes the editor, Melissa Black, may have made to the story. I hope it's as good as I remember! Or, at least, not as bad as I fear... As an added bonus, the foreword was written by Kevin R. McNally, one of the main actors in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series. The cover is by Darrel Bevan.

Dead Men's Tales is available in paperback from Amazon.
    Amazon US
    Amazon UK


© 2017 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Witaj Polsko!


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Blogging can be a strange pastime. You never know who might be reading your posts—or why. And every now and then I get a big number of hits from someplace I don't expect.

Yesterday, it was Poland.

Google graph showing hits on my blog - all from Poland
All Poland, all the time!

Every hit Google tracked was from Poland. I don't know anyone living in Poland, so it's not a friend. I don't have any relatives there, either. Well, none I know of. I guess it's someone who found my words of wit and wisdom irresistible.

There had to be at least one on the planet.

I wonder if they translated my posts. Come to think of it, they might make more sense if they didn't.

To that I say, "Witaj Polsko! Cieszę się, że nowy czytnik! Dzięki!"

Disclaimer: If the above is actually something offensive, blame Google Translate, not me.


© 2016 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Friday, September 2, 2016

This Month's Free Photos - Sunsets And Food - Maybe?


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Yes, I know I'm supposed to get back to the Shore Leave posts, but I keep getting side-tracked. There was a great sunset this evening, so I took a couple of shots to post here. The sky got progressively more orange as the sun set.


Image SUNSET_2.jpg ©2016 K. R. Smith



Image SUNSET_1.jpg ©2016 K. R. Smith


And finally, on a completely unrelated subject, we have this one...


Friends Kabob restaurant in Vienna, Virginia


I've had beef kabobs and chicken kabobs, but this I'm not sure about...

Just in case YOU would like to try it, here's the info:


Take a friend with you when you go. It's always more fun that way. You know, like the guy who's a real cut-up. Let me know how that goes...

Well, that's all for now. Maybe in a month or three I'll post some new pictures!



Images SUNSET_1.jpg and  SUNSET_2.jpg ©2016 K. R. Smith - www.theworldofkrsmith.com - may be used, in whole or in part, with attribution. Do whatever you want with the Friends Kabob picture...


© 2016 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Times They Are A-Changin'


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I picked up my new library card this evening. I had to go to the library to get it. That might have been a mistake.

Image of Library Card

It's been a while since my last visit to the local library, and I was unprepared for the culture shock. The change was noticeable upon entry. The large desk, previously attended to by several ladies all feverishly working to check books in or out, was missing. In its place was one small desk manned by a young metrosexual sort of fellow. He was pleasant enough, and able to retrieve my card for pickup with little effort. He then proceeded to inform me where the adult section was (Adult section? What makes him think I'm an adult?), where the movie DVDs were, and where television show DVDs were located. You can take those out for a week. And, oh, there's some fiction and non-fiction stuff over back there, too.

Over back there? Do you mean actual books? I looked around. There were approximately a dozen computers and every station was occupied. One person wandered through the area shelved with real books, perhaps just getting exercise. Maybe I'd passed into the Twilight Zone when I entered.

Is this the way all libraries are these days?

When I get some free time (you can hear me laughing, can't you) I'm going to go back and read a book. Right out in public where they can all see me. That could cause quite a stir!

"Mommy! What's that man doing over there?"
"Shh, honey. Don't look at him! It just encourages that sort of behavior."

I hope they don't take my card away. It's barely broken in.


© 2016 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Swords Of Darkness - Coming Soon!


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Do you like fantasy anthologies? With, perhaps, a dragon or two? Then there's a new Kindle ebook available for pre-order on Amazon just for you! And it happens to include one of my stories!

The anthology is titled Swords of Darkness, and L. C. Mortimer is the editor. It will contain ten stories in all, and every one will have a sword involved in some way. I don't have a list of stories yet, but the book should be available January 1, 2016.

My story is called The Sword of Hexworthy Manor. It's about a fourteen-year-old girl named Gwendolyn with a very active imagination. It's her impressive imagination—along with an heirloom sword—that leads her into an interesting, and sometimes humorous, adventure.

Again, enough of my blather. Here's the book!



Swords of Darkness
    edited by L. C. Mortimer 


Cover image of Swords of Darkness, edited by L. C. Mortimer
Cover image:
Swords of Darkness

The Book:
A sword holds power.
A sword holds promise.
And a sword holds darkness.

L.C. Mortimer's editorial debut features tales of magic and darkness from authors who explore what it truly means to wield the power of a sword. From a courageous young lad who wants to honor his grandfather to an unlikely hero who will face anything to win the heart of the one he loves, these stories will lead you on adventures you won't be able to forget.

My Story:
Gwendolyn is a young girl living with her grandfather and a housekeeper named Mildred in an old manor near Hexworthy, a village in the moors of Dartmoor. As the last direct descendant of the family, he presents her with a sword, the only family heirloom left of any value. With her imagination in overdrive, she goes to play in the old ruins on the estate and finds, quite by accident, the way to a world she never knew existed. But with passage now sealed, can she ever return home?

Available for pre-order (Kindle) on Amazon
    US Kindle
    UK Kindle



© 2012-2015 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Before The Turkey


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At some point during the day, I will consume enough calories to feed a small army.

Before that happens, I'm going to do a bit of writing. I haven't had a lot of free time lately, so today I'm going to steal a little and hit the keyboard.

I now have three stories submitted for which I am waiting a response—and have been for some time. So, one more can't hurt. The editors are probably stuffing themselves today, too, so any response is unlikely for the foreseeable future. Instead of checking the acceptance lists, writing is in order. The deadline for my latest project is only a few days away, so I'd better get moving. This one is a fantasy—with a dragon, no less. So, yes, I'm trying a new genre.

I always tell people I'm a horror writer, but it seems every story I've written lately is from a genre I've never tried before. Who knows? Perhaps a cookbook is in my future.

So, until my next post, Happy Thanksgiving!


© 2012-2015 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Grimm & Grimmer III - Finally!



It's been a long journey!

I knew things were really starting to move when I saw this on the Fringeworks' Facebook page:



Way back on January 5, 2013, I submitted a story to Fringeworks. It was a remake of the fairy tale The Fisherman and His Wife. In a blog post on that day, I said, "I made the deadline by 1 day. Now the waiting begins..." I had no idea how true that would be.

It was accepted and was to go into Grimm & Grimmer Volume IV, but, for whatever reason, they needed an additional story for volume III. So, a few weeks ago, the editor, Collin Fisher, asked if I'd mind if they bumped me up to volume III. I pondered this deeply for about a nanosecond, then said, "Yes, yes, and, with all due consideration, yes." He was also concerned there might be additional delays for the following volumes, so it was an easy decision.

But all of the waiting is over and Grimm and Grimmer III is now available on Amazon!

    US Kindle
    US Paperback
    UK Kindle
    UK Paperback


© 2012-2015 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Short Story Publisher - Breaking Fate Publishing


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Many beginning writers are looking for places to submit work, and I like to post such markets when I find them, especially ones that are new to me. When I saw a post for Breaking Fate Publishing on Horror Tree, I decided to check them out. Horror Tree only had one of their requests listed, so I put the others out here with a link back to their site. BTW, Horror Tree is a great resource for horror writers.

I haven't worked  with these folks before, so this isn't a recommendation, but it shouldn't deter you from working with them, either! For those who do choose to submit, heed all the normal warnings that apply to dealing with any small publisher. And note, for short stories they pay with contributor copies. Good luck!

From their website:
Breaking Fate Publishing

About Us

What is our objective? To bringing frightening entertainment to the masses and to create new nightmares to fear. Let no bed be safe from terror.

We are not a traditional publisher or company. We work with writers and artists of other dark mediums to publish materials that frighten and bring new fear into their psyche. We strive to work with the independents and we support independent rights.

We are not a traditional publisher or company. We use sources that focus in POD printing and focus more heavily on digital publishing for Kindle and Nook platforms. We do push more for exclusive Kindle publishing due to certain restrictions but that decision is fully up to the other when publishing their work.

We work with authors and we support independent artist rights. We independently publish each work and work with the author on releasing their work. We do not offer services that traditional publishers do, but work with authors and make suggestions to help them get their work ready for publication.

We have editors and cover artists that we recommend when preparing their title, but in the end it is up to the writer to make sure they have their work prepared and ready for the masses to read. For what we do, we take 30% of earnings from each title sold and pass on all remaining sales profit to the author. All our contracts are non-exclusive and much of the rights for the work remain with the author.

Submission Guidelines

What are we looking for? We seek Dark Art Material. We use that term in a general reference towards, horror, supernatural, paranormal, dark fantasy, and horror erotica. We are looking for authors who are looking to independently publish their novel outside the traditional publishing systems.

In addition to novel and novella length fiction, we also seek short fiction for horror anthologies.

Novel and Novella Submission

Guidelines: Our annual open submission period is from October 1st to May 31st.

We look for all types of dark art fiction.
Works can be anywhere from 20,000 to 100,00 words (work under 80,000 words will be deemed novella and may become a part of an anthology for print publication)

We only accept email submissions. Please ensure that they are in .doc, .docx, .pdf, or .rtf formats. Submissions can be emailed to submit@breakingfatepublishing.com. Please when emailing a submission, to please include a short cover email with synopsis, and a brief bio (including previous publication credits, if any).

Short Fiction Submissions

Guidelines: Our normal open submission period for short fiction varies on anthology and dark art genre.

The Dead Walk”

Volume 2 – A collection of zombie tales to satisfy the hunger of any zombie (fan).
DEADLINE: January 31st, 2015

“Deadhead Miles”

Volume 2 – Road Trip Horror- Horror tales taking place on the road while traveling as well as commercial vehicle horror stories.
DEADLINE: February 31st, 2015

“13”

– We are looking for 13 horror stories, all some way loosely around using the number 13 in a significant way. Be creative, make it interesting. We want to see what you can come up with.
DEADLINE: April 31st, 2015

“From the Beyond”

– A collection of sci/fi stories. Preferably creepy out of space stories.
DEADLINE: May 31st, 2015

Short Fiction submitted to be apart of our anthologies must be between 1,000 to 15,000 words. We pay in contributor copies. (boldface mine - krsmith)

We only accept email submissions. Please ensure that they are in .doc, .docx, .pdf, or .rtf formats. Submissions can be emailed to submit@breakingfatepublishing.com. Please when emailing a submission, to please include a short cover email with synopsis, and a brief bio (including previous publication credits, if any).

In the subject line of the email, please include the title of the anthology you would like to be included. If not included in the subject, submissions may be lost or confused with other anthologies.


© 2012-2014 K. R. Smith All rights reserved