Thursday, February 28, 2013

Five Sentence Fiction Challenge - Empty



This week's writing challenge from Five Sentence Fiction ( Lillie McFerrin Writes ) is based upon the prompt "empty."

Hey, I'm early this week!

Being a rider of the DC Metro, I decided to have a little fun with this one.



Empty




He had jumped into the subway car just as the doors closed, the sound of gunshots ringing out behind, the clang of ricochets off the metal doors echoing in his ears. Jack didn't know how he'd managed to dodge the bullets, but that was just part of the daily routine when you deal in heroin and white slavery – not everyone does business with a handshake in those circles. As the train pulled away from the station, he noticed a lot of blood on the seats and thought another rider had been hit. Looking around, he saw the only other passenger on the train was an old man with a wry smile wearing a Halloween costume. His thoughts on the curious situation were interrupted, however, when the operator announced, "Welcome aboard the express, Jack, with your next stop - Hell..."


© 2012-2013 K. R. Smith All rights reserved

32 comments:

  1. Haha, great twist - just when he thought he was safe .... :)

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    1. The Devil, you say!

      Thanks! Sometimes, being a Metro rider, this is a little closer to reality than I'd like!

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  2. I ride the DC Metro too. I've heard that announcement on the Dead Line—er I mean the Red Line... Great stuff. You know you're in trouble when you find an empty car (not to mention and empty seat on the Metro. I enjoyed it!

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    1. A Red Line rider? That qualifies for hazard pay!

      There must be a million horror stories that can come out of the DC Metro...

      Thanks for stopping by and reading!

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  3. Ooo, I want more! Enticing, and full of dark suspense. Good stuff.

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    1. Thanks! I had to get back into "horror mode" eventually!

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  4. This is a great story! Very well done!

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    1. Thanks! It was a change from my last few entries. Every now and then you just have to have a little fun with a story.

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  5. Living in NYC area, the ending doesn't really contain a twist for me simply because quite a few people refer to using the subway to get to work as having to go down into the "hellhole." As for myself I used the express bus while I worked as I prefer being in the daylight before having to sit down in the "dark hellhone" of my job. Other than that, I love the imagery you created.

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    1. I've been to New York, but I've never ridden the subway there. Now I'm afraid to! But I'll keep that in mind if I ever write a story about New York.

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  6. I don't want to get caught on that train! Nice descriptive piece, I could see the Grim Reaper offering up a cold smile...

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    1. I could swear I've seen him on there a couple of times! Thanks for the comment!

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  7. Is there room for a few politicians in that car? Fun piece, KR.

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    1. As I've heard the operators on the DC Metro say many times, "This train has six cars, three doors on a side. Please spread out and use all available doors." Pack 'em in like it's rush hour...

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  8. Nice! Great twist and smooth writing. And yes, riding the subway can be hell.

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    1. Thanks! Everyone seems to have a similar opinion on riding the subway!

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  9. Ahhh, I write about a train that goes to heaven and you write about a train that goes to hell, perhaps we need both to even things out a bit. Can we purchase tickets for those we'd like to send? :-)

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    1. We can pay for as many tickets as needed. Just remember, though, when you’re travelling to my side of town, we only offer one-way fares!

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  10. What a fantastic, energetic story with a fab twist, just when you think he's safe. x

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    1. Thanks! Looks like Jack is finally going to understand what it means to reach the end of the line.

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  11. Ha! Didn't see that one coming. A perfect twist ending!!!

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    1. Thanks! I'm surprised at how many people seem to like this story. I guess folks like to see justice done - one way or another!

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  12. Hahaha! The passing mention of the "Halloween costume" was a nice touch - guess Jack didn't quite dodge all those bullets after all. :) Great surprise ending. Might be time for him to feel the other side of the slavery gig.... 3:)

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    1. I have a feeling he's in for more tricks than treats...

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    1. Thanks! Always great to see new people dropping in to read and comment.

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  14. Loved the twist at the end.
    It definitely wasn't Jack's day - or was it?

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    1. Thanks! I just hope Jack likes surprises!

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  15. Oh wow. This is a fantastic take on the prompt. Really enjoyed reading it, and a great twist at the end,

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  16. It's like a miniature Twilight Zone episode.

    Well played, sir!

    JzB

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    1. So, there you are, Jazzbumpa! Seems like you were absent for a while - or else I just haven't been able to check out all the other FSF posts...

      Thanks!

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